My Old Friend Named Fear

It was the summer of 1998. I was an intern at Pacific Crest Outward Bound School in Bend, Oregon. I was on a 2-week course in the 3 Sisters Wilderness in Central Oregon, assisting the two instructors and teaching some naturalist classes to the students on the course. The final part of the course was to summit a mountain called Broken Top. Broken Top is a crumbling volcano that looks as if it could topple right over when you look at it.

I didn't realize my fear of heights until we reached the top of that mountain. It took me over completely. Vertical drops were on either side of the tiny little spinous processes of sharp rocks leading to the summit. My mind spun into disaster vision, seeing myself in a heap on either side of the drops. I remember feeling and thinking simultaneously, "oh, HELL NO!"

What happened next is a source of significant regret that I honestly haven't resolved yet.

Although the wide-eyed, eager adolescent students seemed pumped to cross over to the other side, fear had infiltrated me. I sat down, on the verge of a panic attack. The instructors eyed me with dismay and disapproval.  

I watched as the chief instructor of the expedition danced around on the side of the vertical drop, fixing lines and anchors for the safety of the students. She looked completely at ease as if it were natural to be 10,000 feet above sea level, walking on a tiny slight edge on the side of a crumbling mountain. I was in AWE of this woman. I had never seen anyone do anything so edgy (literally!) with what looked like the absence of any fear.

However, that woman's bad-assery didn't inspire me enough to dance with my fear and challenge myself to cross over to the summit. Nope, instead, I channeled my fear into the students. I wanted someone to be fearful with me, so I talked about it incessantly, and instead of taking a deep breath and assessing the situation with a calm mind, I let the fear completely take me over. One student almost didn't summit because of my behavior on the top of that mountain. In the end, she found her courage and completed the summit.

I never summited that mountain. I was reprimanded upon return to base camp due to my behavior and how it interfered with the student's experience, and rightly so, even though at the time, I didn't understand it.

I felt humiliated and like a failure. I wanted to run for the hills!

The definition of fear, according to Websters, is this: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat.

How often has fear, or the fear of something that hasn't happened yet, and may NOT EVEN happen, taken you over?

For me, upon that mountain, that fear felt REAL. My mind saw myself falling to my possible death. I didn't question my fear on that particular day or for many years after.

But was there any amount of valid truth behind my fear?

Once you start questioning your fears and digging into where they came from in the first place, it can be a game-changer! There is usually some source of fear that dates way back to your childhood.  

My fear of heights stems from my tendency to have a habit of attempting to control my environment, which was a form of self-protection that started for me in childhood.

Looking back on it, I feel it would've been safe for me to summit that mountain because I had a safety harness clipped into a secured line, a safety helmet, and three instructors who were pros at mountain climbing. At the time, though, I couldn't let go of my need to feel in control; even with all those safety measures, beyond qualified team members and the proof that all the students made it across, the fear seemed more significant to me; the perceived risk was more prominent in my mind at that time.

Most likely, fear will always be there, lurking in the background, anytime you are in an unfamiliar situation.  

It will usually come around in a particular situation like:

• Your first day at a new job

• On the first day of school, when you're the new kid in town

• When you like someone and have to find the courage to ask them out

• Trying something new that you’ve never done before

• Knowing you need to have an uncomfortable conversation with someone

• Physically challenging things like registering for your first running race

• Starting your own business

• Any form of public speaking or visibility

The above is a SHORT list of examples. We could fill pages of things that send shivers of fear down our spines.

What would it be like if you could start to view fear as an old friend? A friend who only wants to protect you from harm and shield you from being hurt. Like a protective caregiver or parent. A parent or friend you can turn to take their hand in yours and say, "I know you're here and want to protect me, and I love you for that, but I can do this, I want to do this."

Try it when familiar old fears show up next time you're about to try something new or do something that takes you to your edge. Doing this has helped me move through some fears that have held me back for years!

Fear will always be there; there is no absence of it. Even people who seem like they have no fear still experience it.  Watch interviews about fear with musicians, artists, successful and well known people on You Tube.  You will be surprised by how many interviews about this topic are available and the common thread is, most people have an old friend named fear.

What will you DO with it, though?

Try welcoming it in, like a friend. That could help you to move forward and do the thing you had fear about.

Let me know how you do!